Get your sex life back on track

Get your sex life back on track

When a couple's not doing it any more, there are ways to tackle the situation

When a couple has a desire discrepancy for sex, it can create a great deal of stress, and for some who don't ask for help in dealing with the problem, it can even result in a breakdown of the relationship.

Mismatched libidos is one of the most common issues seen by sex therapists but, with open communication, understanding and negotiation, the situation can be resolved, or at least improved.

Couples can emerge from therapy with a renewed bond and a genuine desire to connect. Often it's a lack of communication about sex that fuels the rift in desire. One partner may have a lower libido, and the other may take that as a sign of rejection. Misunderstandings start, then assumptions, followed by the lack of initiation for sex or anything physical, out of hurt, anger or despair. One day, a couple realise it has turned into months, or years, without loving contact between them.

One partner may reach breaking point, start looking elsewhere, or begin pressuring their partner for a change. Ultimatums escalate distress levels and make it even more likely that the pair will split.

It doesn't have to be like this. Even if one partner doesn't want sex, ever. It's not that uncommon for a couple's sex life to drop to nearly zero.

When the national average is nearly twice a week, those who don't even do it twice a year tend to be very quiet about the subject of sex. They don't talk about it with friends or each other until one day the need to return to a passionate, loving relationship becomes overwhelming. As long as neither partner has strayed and both are willing to do the work to reconnect, the situation can be fixed.

Taking a love life from not hot to sizzling is a different challenge to that of fixing a sex life that isn't just off the boil, but off the stove entirely.

If a couple hasn't had sex for six months or more, a discussion needs to precede attempts to initiate sex because of the length of time and patterns of distance that have been set. You need to find out why one (or both) of you don't desire sex at all.

Then the cause needs to be addressed, which may be a negative dynamic that has developed between you, sexually or otherwise. It could be a lifestyle issue such as stress, the result of an illness, or it may be that one partner has a sexual dysfunction they haven't wanted to address.

Whatever the cause of the complete drop in libido, dealing with it is better than ignoring or denying it, especially if your relationship is at the brink of breaking up over it. Trying to create a sexy relationship once it has gone stagnant takes a gradual shift and both partners need to feel comfortable each step of the way. It is possible to rekindle a relationship that has lost passion, but it doesn't happen overnight.